What are you still carrying?

It started, as most meaningful things do, with real conversations.

Where forgiveness had been coming up a lot.

Not the neat version.

Not the version where someone says, “just let it go,” as if letting go is always simple.

The deeper version.

The one that asks:

What are you still carrying?

For me, forgiveness is the conscious decision to release the emotional burden attached to a past event.

A little reminder here. It’s from the past. 

Not to underplay it, but to simply remind us that it has already happened.

It might be something that happened to you.

It might be something you did.

It might even be something you didn’t do.

It might even be something you have blamed yourself for, even when it was never yours to carry.

That is why I often think of lack of forgiveness as carrying rocks.

Every unresolved hurt, regret, shame, resentment, guilt or wound can become a rock.

Some rocks are handed to us by other people.

Some rocks we pick up ourselves.

At first, carrying them can feel useful.

It can feel like protection, justice or responsibility.

It can feel like a reminder not to let something happen again.

But over time, those rocks get heavy.

And the strange thing is, we can carry them for so long that at times we stop noticing the weight.

It just becomes normal.

The Rock I Carried

For me, this is a personal one, but one I want to share, to help you see.

I was sexually abused as a child.

And for a long time, I carried the burden of that. 

I carried the rocks, not just the memory.

The emotional weight that came with it.

The shame, the anger, the resentment, the confusion.

The need for justice and the feeling that something was wrong with me.

And even though I had done nothing wrong, somewhere inside me, I still carried some form of blame.

That burden played out in my life for years.

Using alcohol and food and living within destructive behaviours.

In always being in fight or flight and looking for the next thing.

In constantly trying to prove myself.

In trying to switch my brain off instead of facing what was there.

That is what unprocessed emotional burden can do.

It does not stay neatly in the past, it follows you into the present.

It affects how you see yourself, treat yourself and lead your life.

How you react.

How you cope.

How you live.

What Are You Carrying?

You do not need to have the same story as me to understand the weight of carrying something.

It might be a relationship that ended badly.

A conversation you keep replaying.

Something someone said years ago.

A mistake you made.

A parent who was not there in the way you needed.

A betrayal, a regret.

A version of yourself you are still punishing.

A moment you wish had gone differently.

The details may be different.

The weight can feel similar.

So, before we go any further, pause for a moment.

Ask yourself:

What am I still carrying?

Not what should I be over by now.

Not what would someone else think.

What am I honestly still carrying?

Name the rock.

That is where awareness begins.

Self-Forgiveness Came First

The first part of forgiveness for me was self-forgiveness.

Not because I had caused what happened. I hadn’t.

Not because I was guilty. I wasn’t.

But because I had carried responsibility that was never mine and parts of me did blame myself.

Sometimes the first person we need to forgive is ourselves, not because we caused the wound, but because we have spent years carrying it.

Self-forgiveness might sound like:

I forgive myself for carrying what was never mine.

I forgive myself for blaming myself.

I forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now.

I forgive myself for surviving in the only ways I knew how.

For someone else, self-forgiveness might look different.

It might be:

I forgive myself for the mistake I made.

I forgive myself for not speaking up.

I forgive myself for staying too long.

I forgive myself for not knowing how to handle it at the time.

This is not about avoiding responsibility.

It is about separating responsibility from self-punishment.

There is a difference between learning from something and carrying it forever.

Keeping the Lesson Without Keeping the Burden

One reason people hold on is because they think letting go means losing the lesson.

But the lesson, the wisdom, the boundary and the memory can stay.

But

The burden does not have to.

So ask yourself:

What has this taught me?

Maybe it taught you to trust yourself, to listen earlier or to speak more honestly.

Maybe it taught you what you will no longer tolerate, to be more compassionate or maybe it taught you how strong you are.

That learning matters.

But the weight is not proof that you have learned. Living your life differently is.

Forgiving Others

The second part for me was forgiving the other person.

That doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It wasn’t.

It doesn’t mean you forget or that there are no consequences.

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.

Forgiveness is about releasing the emotional burden you are still carrying.

For me, forgiving them was not face to face, they were no longer alive.

But forgiveness does not always need a conversation.

Sometimes it happens in writing, in prayer, in meditation or whilst out walking.

Sometimes in a quiet moment when you are finally ready to stop carrying the rock.

You might simply say:

I release the need to keep carrying this.

I release the hold this has had on me.

I keep the lesson, but I put down the burden.

That may not happen all at once.

It may happen slowly.

Rock by rock.

Releasing Them Too

The third part, for me, was different.

It was my intention that they forgive themselves.

Not because that was mine to decide, it wasn’t.

But because I no longer wanted to hold them in my internal courtroom.

During an ayahuasca experience, I spiritually confronted the situation.

They appeared in front of me.

I held out my hand and said, “I want you to forgive yourself.”

Then I blew on them, and they turned to dust.

Whether someone sees that as spiritual, symbolic, psychological or emotional, for me it felt like completion.

A release. Another rock out of the bag.

This part may not be for everyone, and it does not need to be.

But the meaning was clear to me.

I was no longer available to keep carrying what had already taken enough from my life.

A Simple Reflection

If this has stirred something in you, start gently.

Do not force forgiveness.

Do not perform it.

Do not rush it because someone else thinks you should be ready.

Find a quiet moment and ask yourself one or two or all these questions:

What rock am I still carrying?

Where did it come from?

What emotion is attached to it?

Is it guilt, shame, anger, resentment, grief, regret blame or something else?

Is this actually mine to carry?

What has it taught me?

What wisdom do I want to keep?

What burden might I be ready to release?

Do I need to forgive myself first?

Is there someone else I may be ready to forgive, even if they never know about it?

Then write one sentence.

Something simple.

I am ready to put down the rock of...

Or:

I forgive myself for...

Or:

I release the burden of...

You do not have to share it, explain it or make it perfect.

Just begin.

Leading Yourself Lighter

This matters deeply because it changes how you live.

Because leading yourself is hard when you are carrying rocks nobody else can see.

The emotional burdens from a past event.

They can influence so many aspects of your life, decisions, reactions, confidence, relationships and your health to name a few.

They influence how much freedom you feel in your own life.

For me, healing also came through slowing down, becoming more aware and more honest.

Taking responsibility for my life without taking responsibility for what happened to me.

Acting differently and aligning more each day with who I wanted to become.

Learning to move forward with more freedom.

Previously it was like I was travelling down the motorway at 100 miles an hour, unable to see the signs.

You have to slow down enough to notice what is really going on.

Forgiveness is simple to understand.

It is not always easy to do.

But maybe it starts with questions.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it certainly changes the weight of the past in your present.

Just finally putting down a rock you were never meant to carry, for good.  

If you’ve read this far, thank you

I hope my words have given you something to think about and more importantly something to do.

Maybe today isn’t about forgiving everyone.

Maybe it’s simply noticing something you’ve been carrying for too long.

This has been part of the changes I have made in my own life.

I live a much better life now, with more freedom, peace and understanding.

And genuinely, I want that for you too.

For everyone.

Love David XXX